Fear in our minds produces fear in our lives. The fear-mind’s goal is to keep us living in a state of inadequacy, doubt and despair. I lived there for a very long time, encased in a shell of darkness at the mercy of my master. When I finally cracked the shell of my suffering, I saw a glimmer of light. Over the past several years I have learned to quiet my fear-mind. But now it is time to say goodbye once and for all.
“The mind cannot serve two masters,” Marianne Williamson writes in A Course in Weight Loss. In any moment we are either host to love or hostage to the fear-mind.
“The fear-mind leads to suffering as sure as the Divine Mind leads to joy. The various ways people anesthetize themselves today – whether through substances or pharmaceuticals – is a wail from the deep: Please don’t make me have to choose.”
But choose I must. And choose I did.
I wrote a letter to my fear-mind, the imposter who’s been masquerading as me, following the instructions laid out in A Course in Weight Loss. Here is my letter.
For a long time I’ve allowed you to reside within me. I believed every disturbing word you said and acquiesced your every demand. I allowed your intrusion in my life and in my mind because you were always there. Terrified of what my own thoughts might be, I chose yours instead. After all, you were the Devil I knew, and I certainly didn’t trust myself.
So I allowed your terrible influence on me. You gave me permission to do bad things when I was on the fence, and goaded me when I resisted. You bullied me relentlessly and wore me down. I allowed it because I was desperately lonely and you were my constant companion, better than nothing at all. You binged on my sorrow, engorging yourself with power.
The stronger you got, the crueler you became. Only the worst of friends know someones deepest secrets, shames, and guilt and uses them to their own advantage. You projected my personal demons into my mind’s eye like a deranged curator of the museum of my darkest depths. Then once I was good and destroyed, you lead me by the hand to comfort in whatever form was available at the time.
That was your goal, wasn’t it? I was the source that got you your fix.
Until recently, I actually thought you were helping me. We disassociated together and numbed ourselves. It felt safe… until I came to at least. I realize now how much you were hurting me. You made me dependent and addicted and kept me chained in a prison of my own fears and negative thoughts, tracing a small triangle of destructive behaviors.
You said it was everyone and everything else that hurt me. I believed you. And so I placed my blame everywhere else and raged against the world while you got to stand by my side, the Devil in my corner.
But I’m onto you now, Imposter. I have come to realize it was YOU who hurt me more than anyone or anything else ever did.
I see your pattern and manipulation clearly. And I see that you need me more than I ever needed you. You need me, your host, to feed your insatiable desires for pleasure in all its destructive forms. But I will no longer be your source.
I’ve come to realize it is YOU who are weak. You feed on the sorrows of those in pain. You’re nothing more than a parasite. You’re small and insignificant and you cannot live here anymore. You cannot hurt me anymore. You are nothing.
I can stand alone in my own body and in my own mind. I know you know this because I can feel your fear and anger over being cast aside. It’s been some time since you’ve fed on me. There’s been little sorrow to feed on. I see you in the corner of my mind emaciated and scared. But I feel no compassion for you. There is nothing here for you and I will not help you.
You have to go.
I’m not afraid anymore. Not of you, not of being alone, not of anything I’ve done, and not of anything that’s happened before or what may happen tomorrow. Do you know why?
Because I am a warrior.
Because I live for today.
Because I have faith that whatever happens, I am loved and the Universe will provide. My heart is open and I have experienced the joy and light of Divine Mind.
I am well supported. Not just by my family and friends, but also by me. I am well-armed with tools and knowledge. Most of all, I am armed with LOVE.
Give up this fight. You’re a demon, and I command you to leave. You cannot win.
You’re the last lingering darkness within my soul. But unfortunately for you, I was meant to SHINE.