Back in 2016, incredibly tired and frustrated from not knowing how to deal with toxic people, I wrote a post titled “11 Quotes to Remember When Faced with Toxic People.” Gathering those quotes was a desperate attempt to help myself stop taking things someone said and did so personally. The quotes helped me to remember that I was not the problem. They helped me to remember that I should have compassion for this person who was so obviously in tremendous emotional pain. Most of all, they helped me stop giving this person so much mental and emotional energy…

…sometimes. A little… maybe.

No quote in the world could help when this toxic person was in my face hurling insults while simultaneously making demands. During times like those the only words going through my mind were of the four letter variety.

I know many of you can relate, unfortunately. My post with all those lovely quotes recently recirculated around Pinterest and has since been shared over 38,000 times. Many of you subscribed to hear more from me. To you I say welcome and thank you!

Considering so many of you are clearly dealing with toxic people of your own (and looking for positive coping tools), I wondered if perhaps there was anything I could add that might help.

Let me first clarify that it should go without saying that the kind of toxic people I’m talking about here are the ones you’re sort of stuck with. If an acquaintance or boyfriend or friend or distant cousin is toxic then kick ’em to the curb. There’s zero reason to put up with that shit. The people I’m talking about are the ones our lives are entwined with — close family members, in-laws, etc. — the ones that never seeing again would require greater pain to a larger familial unit.

So anyway, it turns out I do have something to add on the subject of how to deal with toxic people. You see, my relationship with one of the toxic people in my life changed dramatically. Death does that.

Yes, she passed away.

We were on good terms when she died, thankfully. I had learned to better cope with her over the past couple years. If I have any regrets, it’s that I didn’t learn sooner how to set healthy boundaries and not give her so much space in my mind.

I don’t need to go gather quotes from other people this time to share advice on how to deal with toxic people. I know from my own personal experience.

How to Deal with Toxic People: 7 More Important Things to Remember

1. Remember the source

The people walking around battling with everyone closest to them are fighting a much bigger battle with themselves. Trust me, this is something I know A LOT about. People who aren’t happy with themselves can never be happy with you. And if you are happy, you better believe they will resent you even more for it. We are all mirrors for one another. We see in others what we hate in ourselves and we will do anything to make it about the other person. That’s projection, and it’s what we do to protect ourselves.

So remember, the source of someone’s anger is often themselves.

2. Work towards setting healthy boundaries

This, my friends, may take a while. If you slap down concrete boundaries you better believe the toxic people in your life are going to raise all hell and fire every weapon they have in their arsenal to break them down. I learned this the hard way. Please don’t make my mistake.

For example, you probably shouldn’t say, “You call too much. For now on I will call you once a week. Don’t call me.” I think it’s safe to say that’s not going to go over very well. (I never even tried something that brazen.)

The trick here, from my personal experience, is to slowly lay down boundaries. Start innocuously. For you that may be not answering the phone and not returning the call until tomorrow (gasp!). I cannot stress to you enough that this is PERFECTLY NORMAL BEHAVIOR. You do not need to sit and imagine every single nasty thing the caller is saying about you. You don’t need to wrestle with calling or not calling back and work yourself into such a state that you have a full blown anxiety attack. I’m going to tell you what I wish someone had told me: you can let it go to voicemail and not give it another second’s thought!

I spent the past several years laying down boundaries that I adjusted and reinforced gradually over time. For the most part, it worked. Life became more peaceful and the relationship less stressful. Sometimes I gave in to a false sense of security and lifted a boundary only to learn the hard way and need to lay it back down. Sometimes I just ignored the boundaries and allowed things because it felt like the right thing to do.

In my opinion, boundaries cannot be set in stone. Consistency is key, especially in the beginning when your boundaries are most likely to be challenged. But use your judgement and trust yourself and make adjustments, as necessary.

3. Send loving kindness

This is a tough, but incredibly powerful gift to give not only toxic people, but to everyone, including yourself. Loving kindness is (in summary) unconditional, inclusive love — it does not depend on whether one “deserves” it or not and it is not restricted to friends and family. Most importantly, there are no expectations of anything in return.

There are several variations of loving kindness or “metta” meditation (Google it for variations). Following is the version I use. You can insert any person’s name, “I,” “my friends,” “my family,” “all living beings,” etc.

May ______ be well, happy and peaceful.
May no harm come to them.
May no difficulties come to them.
May no problems come to them.
May they always meet with success.
May they also have patience, courage, understanding, and determination to meet and overcome inevitable difficulties, problems, and failures in life.

It is a beautiful and compassionate practice.

4. Have compassion

I can honestly tell you that sitting here today I understand why the person who caused so much anguish was the way she was. I also understand why her love was so conditional. I understand a great deal of why she felt the way she did, thought the way she did, and behaved the way she did. And this is why I carry no anger or resentment.

Not everyone will have the opportunity to go behind the curtain and discover the backstory. But let me tell you, we ALL have an origins story. People who cause pain are in pain. And if you can remember that, then there is room for compassion.

5. Don’t place blame on innocent people

If the person driving you nuts is your brother’s wife, don’t blame your brother for bringing her into your lives. I know you want to direct your anger somewhere. You want to tell him what to do to keep that bitch in line. You want him to defend you against her. But please, try not to place blame. Again, I speak from experience as the blame-placer.

I’m willing to bet your brother already feels awful about the whole situation. Don’t add to that by making him feel guilty and putting him between a rock and a hard place. It’s a shitty situation for everyone.

You’re much better off doing these other things instead (and supporting your brother who probably really needs you right now.)

6. Remember that you are NOT powerless

It is extremely important that I tell you that there are times when there is more power in doing nothing than something.

I can still feel the physical sensation of the frustration and rage I experienced when I felt silenced and powerless to defend myself against toxic people. I wanted to scream and argue, anything to get my point across! And I see now that was what frustrated me most — that I couldn’t get my point across. I was dealing with someone who said whatever she wanted then hung up or threw you out of her house before you could get one word in. (And in case you’re thinking it, of course I tried emails!)

But let me ask you. Have any of you ever successfully gotten your point across to this kind of toxic person?

Of course not! Because if they listened they wouldn’t be a toxic person! And this is what I wish I had learned a long time ago. I wasn’t powerless in those situations. I confused not being able to speak with being powerless. I wouldn’t have been heard either way.

And eventually I learned to be quiet because being quiet was disarming. And in disarming I found that I was more powerful and avoided unnecessary anguish.

7. Forgive

Even if you remember all of these things, you will sometimes find yourself feeling hurt and angry at the hands (and tongues) of toxic people. You may also find yourself feeling angry with yourself for not handling things better. And at times like that, I hope you will remember to practice forgiveness.

Rather than try to articulate my thoughts on this subject, I will leave you with this Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness.

If I have harmed any one in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge, or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.

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Thank you for reading.

As my 36th birthday approaches, I’ve been thinking about the year behind me as part of my traditional birthday reflection. Ageing is not synonymous with growing in my book, and I feel a responsibility to monitor my growth with pencil marks in a proverbial door frame. As I have said many times here, I refuse to live the same year over and over again and call it my life. Unfortunately, this year there has been some debate regarding whether I’ve grown enough.

But I can’t reflect without first acknowledging where I was this time last year.

This Time Last Year

As many of you know, last May I was the thinnest I had been since 2013. As thrilled as I was and as healthy as I thought I was, I now know that I was just a thinner, less healthy version of myself. My life revolved around food, diet and my weight while I obsessively tried to meet my birthday weight goal, which was part of a larger 40 lb. goal. I made that goal. But as many of you know, come July, I began gaining back every single one of those forty pounds over the following six months.

So here I am in May, 2018, nearly thirty pounds heavier than I was on my 35th birthday. I am fully aware of how this happened and why. But that doesn’t make it suck any less.

Argument for Stagnancy

This past weekend I found myself in a dark place uninspired, unmotivated and experiencing an alarming sense of hopelessness. I felt utterly defeated. After all my hard work, I was back where I started. Another year had passed and I hadn’t achieved the things I set out to achieve. I felt as if I spent my 35th year on a treadmill moving, but going nowhere.

Argument for Growth

Despite some setbacks, there is evidence of my forward movement and growth this past year.

My career took a huge leap forward

This past year I realized that in order to continue to advance my well-being, I needed to move on and advance in my career. After seven years with my previous employer (and a combined 13 in non-profit), I committed myself to finding a new position in a new company. It wasn’t easy! The waiting and uncertainty was torturous. But I put myself out there and expanded my search beyond non-profit, which was intimidating. Eventually, I landed a position where I get to utilize my skills, learn, and do work that I enjoy! I remain grateful every single day for my new job, my employer, the ways I’m being challenged, and my courage to forego the familiar and go in search of greener pastures.

We made a commitment to significantly reduce our debt

Thanks to an increased salary and the help of Dave Ramsey, Mike and I started the year committed to a monthly budget and paying down debt. This is significant because it falls directly in line with my goal to live a better and simpler life. The freedom of a debt-free life no longer feels so out of reach.

Our kitchen renovation is nearly complete

I never liked my kitchen. But it turns out that kitchen renovations are EXPENSIVE! So Mike and I have been diy-ing our kitchen for years, little by little, one piece at a time, saving for the big stuff like windows, flooring and countertops. Well FINALLY, our new countertops were installed this past month. For the first time since we bought our house in 2011, I like my kitchen. Yes, of course I’m grateful I at least have a kitchen — that goes without saying. But now it’s a room I actually enjoy being and cooking in.

All that’s left is the back splash and some minor touching up here and there and we’re done! This has been a project four plus years in the making, which is why it’s so significant.

Counter Argument for Stagnancy

Three things? That’s it!?

Okay I’ll admit I grew a little. But I could have done more had I spent less time scrolling on my phone, napping, and watching Netflix. I could have done more if I was more talented, disciplined and driven. I guess I don’t want to achieve my goals as much as I want to watch television and stare at my phone.

Counter Argument for Growth

First of all, my job search was intensely stressful and consumed the greater part of five months, not including the acclimation period. It required a great deal of energy above and beyond my other many “extracurricular” obligations and involvements that I manage and maintain throughout the year.

Yes, I concede to the point I could have spent less time on my phone, something I fully intend to limit this year. However, honoring the need to rest, seeking down time, and knowing my own limits clearly demonstrates growth in and of itself. Not once since achieving June’s weight loss goal have I experienced the debilitating pain of interstitial cystitis or felt ill as a result of stress.

All evidence points to positive steps taken toward living a less stressful, more peaceful, and simpler life. And besides, it doesn’t matter how fast I go, as long as I GO.

((mic drop))

Final Verdict

Fortunately I’ve learned that thoughts, as convincing as they may seem, can be cunning little liar tricksters. The above is a kinder, very much abbreviated version of the arguments that have been running through my head the past week. Thankfully, I was able to use my tools to quiet the negative voice that tried so hard to convince me I failed.

I learned and achieved a lot this past year. And as for the areas where I’ve fallen short… I’m still figuring those out. I feel good about turning 36 tomorrow. I’m excited for the year ahead and the opportunity to learn, achieve, experience and GROW even more.

I wrote one blog post in October. Surely someone other than my Mom noticed that? I started a draft of this post back in June. It reads “June was hard on me.” Unfortunately so was July. And August. And September. And October. I shared some of that in my last post, Stress Sucks, where I also confessed I had gained back twenty of the forty pounds I lost this year. I had high hopes that this week off would finally mark the end of a five month run of stress. It almost didn’t. But thankfully I realized my staycation mistakes early on with the help of my counselor, and finally gave myself permission to take it easy before I start my new job.

Staycation Mistakes

Mistake #1: Attempting to add too much structure to the unstructured

Before the start of vacation I began scheduling my time off in what I now realize was an attempt to add structure to the unstructured. I filled my calendar with to-dos and all the yoga and exercise classes I wanted to take.

But then my calendar became overwhelming. I struggled between what I thought I should be doing (going to yoga) and what I wanted to do (have slow mornings in my pajamas with lots of coffee and reading.)

“You are a very structured person,” my counselor said. “Structured people struggle with unstructured time, which is why they often can’t wait to get back into a routine. But this is your vacation.”

I realized I could do with a bit of unplanned time, so I stopped scheduling it all.

Mistake #2: Overly ambitious and unrealistic plans

I overwhelmed myself with ambitious and unrealistic plans. These plans included working out every day, eating perfectly, writing every day, and completing about eight thousand million projects. Is it any wonder I started vacation with splitting headaches and wanting nothing more than to sleep? Guilt gnawed at me, like a hamster on a carrot. What I should be doing ran through my head on repeat and the headaches intensified.

“What are your MAIN priorities this week?” my counselor asked.

I considered them. “Eat healthy. Umm, exercise every day for at least 45 minutes, rest, get my clothes ready for my first week of work. Oh, and write!”

Eating perfectly was never going to happen and I should have known better than to even let that combination of words pass through my mind. I had so many social plans and meals out that it was impossible. Not to mention it was Halloween! So again, I eased up on myself.

Identifying my primary goals also helped me realize that I didn’t need to go to yoga most days, especially since my body wasn’t up for it. I walked around Philadelphia nearly five miles with my Dad on Thursday. That counts. So does hitting the treadmill in my basement while I watch an episode of Scandal. I’m doing what my body is up for. After all, I’m still sleeping twelve hours every night and recovering from whatever stress my body’s been under, which leads me to…

Mistake #3: Denying the magnitude of the transition

I truly don’t feel stressed or anxious about starting my new job. I have only felt stressed or anxious about wasting this week (see mistake #4).

But my counselor helped me realize that regardless, the transition is causing anxiety. This is a major life change. There are residual emotions over leaving my previous job and there are many unknowns about the new job. I haven’t noticed because I’ve gotten skilled at staying in the present, but obviously, there are emotions lingering. It was a mistake to not acknowledge the magnitude of this life-changing transition. Once I did, that helped me to be more gentle with myself.

Mistake #4: Judging use of time

No one is productive all the time. I don’t care what they say. And personally, I don’t think that would be healthy. But I did go into this week thinking that binge-watching Stranger Things Season 2 was a waste of precious time. Anything that wasn’t writing, cleaning, prepping, cooking, producing was a waste of time. But once we identified my goals for the week, one of which is to rest, I realized there was a lot of time where I could do whatever I wanted.

So after counseling, I went home and watched Stranger Things over lunch. On Halloween, I ran my errands in the morning and then finished the season throughout the afternoon. Time wasted? No way. I enjoyed it.

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So much of our stress is self-inflicted. Seriously. We put far too much unnecessary pressure on ourselves it’s ridiculous.

I was disappointed I only posted once last month. The need to write and get something up certainly gnawed at my mind. But I had nothing to say at the time, and the truth is that I had higher priorities. I gave myself permission to take the break to focus on other things. And frankly, I was exhausted all the time.

I try to live by example with this site, which is why I share so openly and honestly with you all. What kind of inspiration can I be if I start posting for the sake of posting and give myself a break down in the process?

Priorities shift as life shifts. And I’m doing my best to roll with it.

So I made some staycation mistakes. And I didn’t eat perfectly. I slept A LOT. I watched a lot of Netflix. Not much writing happened. But I DID have quality time with numerous people. And best of all, I finally feel better. The headaches are gone and I feel rested.

I’m ready for the next chapter.

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I received disappointing news last week. Since all my writing is inspired by my personal journey, I took this as an opportunity to coach myself on how to deal with disappointment. This post is as much for me as it is for you. And if you think I’ve left anything out, please let me know in the comments.

So anyway, yeah, I was disappointed. I had an exciting opportunity in the works. For over two months I struggled between being realistic and optimistic; not getting my hopes up and visualizing my desired outcome in order to help manifest it. In the end I decided to believe the opportunity was mine. I daydreamed, used words like “when” instead of “if.” I was confident.

Since I believed the opportunity was mine, the disappointment was magnified. It’s not just that I didn’t get something I wanted. I feel as though something was taken away from me.

So how to deal with disappointment? After all I’ve learned I can surely pass this exam. Here’s what I’m thinking:

1. Don’t take it personal

This is one of the Four Agreements in the aptly named book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz that I recently finished reading.

“When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” - Ruiz

I won’t take personally not being chosen for this opportunity. There are countless reasons why I may not have been selected in the end and many of them may have nothing to do with me personally. I know this. And if it is something personal, like the sound of my voice for example, it’s still not personal. Because I also know that what others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own preferences, their own dreams. And they are entitled to them. They have no bearing on me.

2. Don’t assign meaning or make assumptions

And in that vein, not being selected doesn’t mean I’m no good or not talented or not likeable. It doesn’t mean I’ll never be successful. I won’t make any assumptions regarding future opportunities based on this one disappointment.

3. Identify the blessings or silver linings

It’s not ideal, but look, I got a crash course on how to deal with disappointment and test all I’ve learned (and my next blog post, to boot). You take the good with the bad. I’m sure there are other blessings here I can’t possibly know. Maybe the opportunity wasn’t meant for me and I would have hated it. Maybe I dodged a bullet?

Regardless, I got really far in the process and garnered a lot of valuable experience.

4. Be grateful

Like I always say, there is always something to be grateful for. I am grateful to no longer be in limbo, waiting for a decision. That turned into a terrible distraction.

I am also grateful that although it feels like I lost something, I didn’t really. I am no worse than I was before this. For that I am grateful.

5. Remain optimistic

I won’t allow life’s disappointments to turn me into a cynical pessimist. I will remain optimistic.

6. Brush yourself off

I admit that after zoning out and feeling sorry for myself for an hour or so, I then ate a really big slice of chocolate cake. But then I did brush myself off! I got my bearings and drafted this blog post to help me process my disappointment.

7. Try, try again

Then I identified next steps and immediately tossed my hat back in the ring.

One dropped ball won’t have me swearing off the game of catch. I’ve caught (and dropped) many balls in my life. There will be more balls. And I’ll drop some.

But I have a feeling I’ll catch a really good one soon…

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Have anything to add? Let me know in the comments.

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Jessica is a certified Integrative Wellness & Life Coach. Click here to contact her for a free consultation.

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Fear in our minds produces fear in our lives. The fear-mind’s goal is to keep us living in a state of inadequacy, doubt and despair. I lived there for a very long time, encased in a shell of darkness at the mercy of my master. When I finally cracked the shell of my suffering, I saw a glimmer of light. Over the past several years I have learned to quiet my fear-mind. But now it is time to say goodbye once and for all.

“The mind cannot serve two masters,” Marianne Williamson writes in A Course in Weight Loss. In any moment we are either host to love or hostage to the fear-mind.

“The fear-mind leads to suffering as sure as the Divine Mind leads to joy. The various ways people anesthetize themselves today - whether through substances or pharmaceuticals - is a wail from the deep: Please don’t make me have to choose.”

But choose I must. And choose I did.

I wrote a letter to my fear-mind, the imposter who’s been masquerading as me, following the instructions laid out in A Course in Weight Loss. Here is my letter.

Dear Imposter,

For a long time I’ve allowed you to reside within me. I believed every disturbing word you said and acquiesced your every demand. I allowed your intrusion in my life and in my mind because you were always there. Terrified of what my own thoughts might be, I chose yours instead. After all, you were the Devil I knew, and I certainly didn’t trust myself.

So I allowed your terrible influence on me. You gave me permission to do bad things when I was on the fence, and goaded me when I resisted. You bullied me relentlessly and wore me down. I allowed it because I was desperately lonely and you were my constant companion, better than nothing at all. You binged on my sorrow, engorging yourself with power.

The stronger you got, the crueler you became. Only the worst of friends know someones deepest secrets, shames, and guilt and uses them to their own advantage. You projected my personal demons into my mind’s eye like a deranged curator of the museum of my darkest depths. Then once I was good and destroyed, you lead me by the hand to comfort in whatever form was available at the time.

That was your goal, wasn’t it? I was the source that got you your fix.

Until recently, I actually thought you were helping me. We disassociated together and numbed ourselves. It felt safe… until I came to at least. I realize now how much you were hurting me. You made me dependent and addicted and kept me chained in a prison of my own fears and negative thoughts, tracing a small triangle of destructive behaviors.

You said it was everyone and everything else that hurt me. I believed you. And so I placed my blame everywhere else and raged against the world while you got to stand by my side, the Devil in my corner.

But I’m onto you now, Imposter. I have come to realize it was YOU who hurt me more than anyone or anything else ever did.

I see your pattern and manipulation clearly. And I see that you need me more than I ever needed you. You need me, your host, to feed your insatiable desires for pleasure in all its destructive forms. But I will no longer be your source.

I’ve come to realize it is YOU who are weak. You feed on the sorrows of those in pain. You’re nothing more than a parasite. You’re small and insignificant and you cannot live here anymore. You cannot hurt me anymore. You are nothing.

I can stand alone in my own body and in my own mind. I know you know this because I can feel your fear and anger over being cast aside. It’s been some time since you’ve fed on me. There’s been little sorrow to feed on. I see you in the corner of my mind emaciated and scared. But I feel no compassion for you. There is nothing here for you and I will not help you.

You have to go.

I’m not afraid anymore. Not of you, not of being alone, not of anything I’ve done, and not of anything that’s happened before or what may happen tomorrow. Do you know why?

Because I am a warrior.

Because I live for today.

Because I have faith that whatever happens, I am loved and the Universe will provide. My heart is open and I have experienced the joy and light of Divine Mind.

I am well supported. Not just by my family and friends, but also by me. I am well-armed with tools and knowledge. Most of all, I am armed with LOVE.

Give up this fight. You’re a demon, and I command you to leave. You cannot win.

You’re the last lingering darkness within my soul. But unfortunately for you, I was meant to SHINE.

 

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July was a slippery tightrope on which I could not get a firm grip despite my efforts. Obligations battled for attention, sickness sidelined me, pressures built, and schedules filled. As so often happens when I’m overwhelmed, a critical component of my well being suffered: my health. But rather than write off an entire month, I’m trying something different. I’m giving myself credit where it’s due, identifying areas for improvement, and most importantly, examining where I lost my balance in life so I can maintain it next time a strong wind blows.

Where I Lost My Balance

It’s a shame that the first thing to suffer when life gets hectic is most often ourselves. I can count on one hand the number of times I exercised in July. I barely meditated. I hardly cooked. I bought lunch and takeout when I didn’t need to, spending money I didn’t want to and consuming food I hadn’t planned to.

One day in the middle of the month I felt an urgent need to reset. I was inspired and energized, so I wrote “How to Reset Body and Mind to Feel Better Instantly.”

My reset lasted one day.

I was unable to follow my own formula, which has worked countless times. And so I struggled two more weeks, hopping on and falling off the tightrope until I was exhausted and defeated.

Coincidentally, the winds have died just in time for a new month. I am firmly planted on my rope and feel balanced. Before I take a step, however, I think it is important to examine where I lost my balance. I have my friend, Robin Renee to thank for that. You see, she commented on my post about resetting with words of wisdom that resonated with me:

“I try to notice, gently, what led me off the path. When I notice consciously that I am overeating out of nervousness or emotional upset, it’s a little easier to stop and make a better choice. If I find I am being reactionary out of anger directed at self or other, I might take the first steps toward looking at the underlying issue rather than punishing myself by being inactive or something similar. To do that kind of self-reflection, while being kind to myself regardless of what I find, is a practice that has seen me through a lot in recent years.”

I didn’t manage to do this in the throes of July’s chaos. But since stress and life is certain to keep happening, Robin has helped me to realize that the best way to prevent losing balance in the future is to “notice, gently” what led me off my rope. Did I stumble for the sake of stumbling? Am I weak and undisciplined? Am I a failure?

No.

First of all, June depleted me physically, emotionally and mentally as I was consumed with achieving my weight loss goal. I needed some time to recuperate and take it easy and so I allowed that for myself.

But then I got sick with an upper respiratory infection. I was so miserable that my cravings for comfort in the form of food came out in full force. I was not strong or well enough to resist them. And so for nearly an entire week I slept, binge-watched Vikings, and ate whatever I wanted.

After that, things were just… full… and I struggled to gain my footing since so many things required my attention. Keep in mind that not everything was necessarily bad. In addition to the tough stuff a lot of significant and positive things happened. It was just a lot. The rest of the month felt like one long uphill climb. Each obligation, social event, and appointment was a checkpoint I was relieved to cross. Time off was hard to come by, and so I used it to sit and rest (and eat) rather than reset.

Areas For Improvement

I do not say any of this to make excuses. I’m simply “noticing.” There is a learning opportunity here, which is why I’m reflecting. The first step to doing better is to understand where I went wrong.

I see now that next time I do something particularly taxing, I need to plan close-ended recovery time. Next time I get sick, I must remember to stock up with “healthy” comfort food since even sickness is no deterrent to my appetite. And if my schedule gets too full, I need to find windows for rest, but also windows for self-care, even if that means rescheduling some things.

Clearly, I still have work to do understanding and prioritizing my priorities. My health is a high priority, yet my actions don’t reflect that when life gets full. I must prioritize my diet, exercise and well-being regardless of the winds life kicks up.

Giving Credit Where It’s Due

I struggled this past July and I lost my balance in life. But with that being said, I see great progress in how I handled a difficult month. Despite falling off my rope, I continued to step back on even if I only held my balance a few hours before stumbling again. Three years ago I would have cut the rope and burned it.

Throughout it all, I didn’t smoke a cigarette and celebrated my one-year cigarette-free-versary on July 23. Although my eating was poor, I made better bad choices. And although this past month affected my relationship with my self, it didn’t spread farther than that. It didn’t leave me emotionally erratic or cause tension in any of my other relationships. This is a tremendous victory.

I am a work in progress and like everyone else, I’m doing the best I can. My performance this past July was my best. But now after reflecting on where I stumbled, I feel confident that with practice I will continue to improve my balancing skills.

I’d like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize for every single time I’ve invalidated someone’s feelings. I consider it an honor and a privilege when someone feels they can share their feelings with me. I aim to be a supportive and validating confidant. If I cannot, at the very least my goal is to be an empathetic listener. But for the majority of my life these were not my aims, and I did not know how to listen. As a result, I fear I have been a disappointment. People, maybe even you reading this now, have come to me to share and to be heard. And instead of feeling heard or affirmed, I invalidated your feelings and inflicted the pain of invalidation. I let you down.

I sincerely apologize.

There is no excuse for invalidating your feelings. But I want to share with you that I know now why I’ve done it. Most likely, what you said made me feel uncomfortable. Perhaps you were brave enough to express a fear, a fear that may live deep within my soul. And in that moment, I became afraid. And so it was easier for me to disregard your concern with a wave of the hand and a “pssh, that will never happen.”

Or perhaps you spoke of a change you wish to make. And it triggered a longing or guilt or resentment within me, and so again, I disregarded what you said in order to ease my own discomfort. I may have tried to squash your desire in order to make myself feel better about my own life.

Regardless of what it is you shared, I shut you down. It was supposed to be about you. And I made it about me.

I sincerely apologize.

There are countless reasons we may begin to feel uncomfortable in conversation. I recently sat at a table with a friend who became honest and vulnerable with her family. I watched, saddened, as her family literally began to shift in their seats with discomfort. They then proceeded to shut her down.

Honesty, presumed weakness, vulnerability, talk of dreams and change beyond the status quo… these are cause for discomfort. I have been so incredibly self-centered that I have inserted myself into things people have said and shared. And although what they said only had to do with them, and not me, I allowed myself to feel judged or countless other emotions. I invalidated people’s feelings in order to save or validate my own.

I sincerely apologize.

---

Going Forward

Perhaps it’s Karma that my feelings have been invalidated and my words ignored so much lately. It’s nothing new, but ignorance was bliss. It didn’t hurt so much.

Now it hurts immensely. Because I understand why it’s happening. My heart aches not only for myself, but for the people invalidating me. Like the person I recently shared exciting news with. I watched as her eyes glazed over and she wordlessly got up from the table and walked away. She uttered not one syllable of validation or encouragement. It hurt because this is someone who claims to love and want good things for me. But it also hurt because I know of the war going on within her that prevents her from ever being truly happy for anyone else.

I suppose that as I attempt to process the heart-wrenching pain of so much recent invalidation, I have identified growth opportunities. One, I am able to apologize… for whatever it’s worth. And two, I have identified yet another area to practice compassion.

It’s not easy, though. If you’ve ever confided your feelings with tears streaming down your face and asked to be heard only to be told that you are “ridiculous” or “acting like a teenager,” then you know my pain. And I sincerely apologize that you know that pain. It is the pain of invalidation. And it hurts.

But there is room for compassion. The person who told me I am ridiculous has zero frame of reference for the pain I was describing since it was a life experience he was fortunate enough to avoid. When my Mom told me I was acting like a teenager, I know now that my behavior triggered her guilt and scared her. In all instances I’ve mentioned, I unknowingly caused discomfort. My feelings were invalidated as a result.

It hurts all around. I know since I’ve been on both sides of the coin.

And maybe you don’t know that pain. Maybe you do the invalidating and have no idea why. Maybe now you can begin to see that is because of your own discomfort. And maybe you can just sit with that for a moment…

And when you’re ready, maybe you can try to work on that. Because it is an honor and a privilege when someone chooses to share something with you.

Going forward, I aim to live up to that honor.

It had been a really rough week and a half. It was the first time in a while I sat in my counselor’s office and cried sad, thick, tired tears. What was wrong? Nothing. And everything. Despite all I’ve learned and my quest for balance, I had gone and done it again. I put too much on my proverbial plate and was overwhelmed. My quest for balance became unbalanced. As a result, all the tell-tale symptoms had appeared. Mike and I were bickering more, I didn’t feel well, I was highly sensitive, and I had a great desire to check out on the couch under a mountain of potato chips and chocolate in an effort to hide from the world and my responsibilities.

Becoming Unbalanced

The pressure had been building for a few weeks. I had tried to minimize my priorities, and I did cut a bit of the unimportant stuff. But it seemed I was still left with too much I considered a high priority. The thing is though, the great majority of those responsibilities were self-imposed. Things I had incorporated into my daily routine over the past several months in an effort to live a well-balanced life mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually: meditation, exercise, journaling, writing, cleaning and meal planning, and gardening among other things.

I think under normal circumstances I could manage it all, but work is particularly busy since our largest annual event is around the corner. There has also been a lot of random obligations and events taking up my time. Top that off with some serious PMS, and my quest for balance became unbalanced. That’s because keeping up with all of the self-imposed tasks resulted in stress. The stress brought me out of balance mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I tried to meditate and couldn’t quiet my brain from thinking of everything I “had” to do. Since I was stressed and over tired, my emotions were heightened and I argued with Mike. Physically, I felt run down. I started to feel sad. That hopeless feeling began to creep into my thoughts like light fog.

I had ignored the warning signs, but couldn’t ignore the symptoms. I knew that something had to give.

Restoring Balance

And so I stopped doing everything from a sense of obligation and started evaluating what I needed, when, and if it would help or hurt me. Balance is a fine line. It is not uncommon for people trying to lose weight, for example, to begin exercising and eating healthy only to then take it too far by exercising too much and eating too little. There is a sweet spot when it comes to balance and we must be diligent to prevent the quest for balance from becoming unbalanced.

It was a mistake I made. There is little point in meditating, exercising, and writing every day if completing all those things leaves me exhausted and stressed and fighting with my husband. That’s not balance. Keep in mind the seven questions to ask yourself when deciding what is best for you (Is it good for your family, relationships, career, finances, health, self-development, and spirituality?).

Although all the things I want to do can be very good for me, I need to do them all at a time when they will be good for me. Now is not that time. Although I had gotten into a steady yoga practice, that is something I am temporarily taking a break from in an effort to restore balance (ironic isn’t it?). I miss yoga, but I just don’t feel strong enough at the moment for the practice. And those 5:00 am wake up times are killing me.

Hopefully within a couple weeks I can take back on all the things I want to do, including yoga. But for now, I’m picking and choosing and getting creative.

I am restoring balance by taking some weight off the scales. I’ll add it back on when I’m in a better place to handle it.

---

P.S. Questions for Life: Two Year Guided Daily Journal for Intentional Living is on sale for $3.00 off through May! Buy it now from Amazon.

 

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I had just gotten another drink and was settling in to a lounge chair when my friend Rudy approached.

“It’s official,” he said.

“What’s official?”

“Our flight was canceled.”

Despite our anticipation that this would happen due to what was said to be a colossal snow storm headed to the northeast, the official word caught me by surprise. My body flooded with a sense of excitement and relief (this would not be our last day in paradise after all), but also a twinge of anxiety (what now?).

Me, Mike and Rudy headed up to Rudy’s room to use the landline to call United and make other arrangements. After an hour on hold, the call disconnected. Annoyed, we headed down to the reception area to at least secure an additional night’s stay.

“So for one extra night, that will be $750 per room.”

My heart sank and my eyes widened. I was grateful Mike had gone to the bathroom and wasn’t there to hear this.

I waited for the woman who assisted us to finish talking, then as calmly and kindly as possible told her that we had spoken to someone earlier who assured us they would work with us if our flights were canceled. “Or else we will need to sleep on your beach,” I added.

She got back on the phone. As I did my best to sit patiently, I used my tools to keep calm, think up alternative plans (we could share a room, take a cab over to Santo Domingo and stay in the city) and remind myself that it could be far worse. After all, we were momentarily stuck in Punta Cana; stranded in a brand new, luxury, all-inclusive resort on white sand beaches with turquoise water. Everyone was safe, including Cooper who was staying with his Gammy (my Mom.)

“What’s going on?” Mike asked when he returned.

“Why don’t you grab us a drink, hon? I will take care of this.” Mike had been worried about the storm since before we left. Despite his sun-kissed skin, he turned a shade paler when Rudy said the flight home was canceled. “No, I want to know.”

“Well, she’s currently trying to work with us on the rate.”

“What if—”

“Let’s just see what she can do,” I said, cutting him off gently. Although I had already been thinking up some “what-if” scenarios, I didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves by discussing them out loud. Besides, I knew how nervous Mike was. He was out of his comfort zone enough just being in another country. More than ever I needed to stay calm and help keep Mike at ease. I gave his hand a squeeze. “Everything is going to be fine.”

And just a few moments later, one problem was solved. The resort offered us an incredible rate that exceeded all expectation. They also assured us it would remain the same if we ended up needing additional nights.

“See,” I said to Mike with a reassuring smile as we headed to our room to get back on the phone. “Sometimes we just have to wait and see.”

“Yeah, but what about our flights?”

“We’ll have to wait and see.”

“I hate this.”

“I know you do. But the situation is entirely one hundred percent out of our control. We have no choice but to surrender to it, let go and trust that everything will work out. It could be far worse. Just think of all those people detained at airports, or people trying to get home for funerals.”

After an hour on hold, the call disconnected once more. Rudy was having no better luck. “Screw it, let’s go to dinner and deal with this later,” he suggested.

A cloud of uncertainty hung over dinner. Despite my gratitude for an extra day and the resort’s flexibility, I too was eager to know when we’d be going home. Mike was quiet, but I knew his mind was not. Work, the dog, the added expense… all these things flew through his brain and no encouragement I could offer would quiet them. Instead I simply promised to call again the second we returned to the room. “Maybe the hold times will be shorter the later it gets, anyway.”

Several hours later and after another two dropped calls, I handed Mike the phone so he could wait on hold as I dozed off, unsure if the next morning would be my last in Punta Cana…

“Jess, Jess!” I startled awake and took the phone from Mike.

After several minutes I thanked the woman who re-booked us and turned to an anxious Mike.

“The best they could do for us is Saturday.”

It was only Monday. Mike’s face sank and for a moment I thought he might cry.

“Let’s get some rest,” I said. “I promise to try again in the morning. Maybe someone else can find something different. In the meantime, at least we have a flight.”

First thing the following morning I was back on the phone. As much as I didn’t mind staying until Saturday and knew work had no choice but to understand, my heart ached for Mike who didn’t have the same tools as me. He’d had a restless night.

I asked the helpful man on the line to hold a moment while I explained to Mike he could get us to Philadelphia on Thursday, but we’d have a layover. Mike knew I was in heaven in Punta Cana so his eyes pleaded with me to agree as he answered, “let’s do that.”

And with our flight changed yet again, Mike was flooded with relief.

“Now, can we please enjoy our last couple days here?”

---

Not long ago I think I would have been just as anxious as Mike in this situation. I’d have wasted time and energy tracking the storm and checking flight information ahead of the cancellations. I’d have allowed my anxiety to keep me from sleep or enjoyment. I’d have conjured up every possible “what-if” scenario and filled my head with stories not remotely based on evidence or fact. (I’ll be fired!) I’d worry about not packing Cooper enough food for Gammy’s house. I’d worry (like Mike) about the lack of clean clothes left in our suitcases. I’d worry about the added expense… worry, worry, worry.

But I did none of this. That’s because I knew full well that I had zero control over the situation and that everything works out. I spent my vacation in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic living in the moment. I swam, I ate, I laughed, I practiced yoga, I danced, I played loads of pool volleyball, I laid in the sun, I drank, and I hung out with Mike and our friends. Me AND my mind stayed in Punta Cana. I didn’t worry about what might happen. And once it did happen, I still didn’t worry because I knew there were solutions. “So we’ll pay to have some clothes laundered if we have to,” I told Mike.

I rode the wave of travel inconvenience and viewed the entire experience as a blessing in disguise. Rather than leave Tuesday morning, we left Thursday afternoon. It was a good test for me. Like an exam. I got to put my tools to use and I passed. As for Mike, now that he has this experience under his belt, I’m confident he will not be so uneasy if anything like this should happen again. Although he did say it will be a while before he leaves the country again.

“That’s okay,” I said. “Hawaii is technically part of the country.”

I could tell by the crowds on the platform that the train was late and I’d be lucky to fit on board once it arrived. Thankfully, I was able to squeeze in. As the train slowed at the next stop, I recognized someone waiting on the platform. A wave of relief flooded me with the realization there was no room for him. But then he crammed on board. There was nowhere for me to go. It wasn’t until our shoulders were touching that he noticed me. I felt the shift from his recognition that he was pressed against his ex-girlfriend, someone he’d spent over a year with sharing intimacies and love. Despite that, neither one of us acknowledged the other. We endured the awkward ride, painfully aware of the other, until I exited the train two stops early to end the discomfort. As I strode away, I thought how sad so many relationships come to such ends.

I’ve shared intimacies with many people who are no longer in my life. People who no longer know me, yet walk the Earth carrying my secrets with them, and I theirs. For a long time I struggled greatly with abandonment (and am told I still do at times). Rather than simply let people go, I struggled. I clutched my relationships with friends and lovers like water balloons, and as a result many of them burst.

Attachment is a human condition. If only I knew and understood from a young age that it was completely natural for people to come and go, I would not have suffered so in letting go of relationships. If only I’d known that a great many people aren’t necessarily meant to stay in our lives, I would have been far more grateful for my time with them, rather than mourn my time without them.

We cannot count on anyone staying in our life forever. All that we can count on is change. We adapt to it, or we allow it to hurt us. Change in our closest relationships is such a struggle, though because meaningful relationships are so intricately woven. Identities become linked together and it is easy to forget who we are without the other.

I lost my two childhood best friends, one of them twice. The friendships ended for good sophomore year of high school and it destroyed me. In hindsight, I hadn’t a clue in the world who I was except for the person I was with my two best friends and within our circle. The loss of my friendships in high school is my single greatest trauma for the sole reason that it either directly or indirectly led to every trauma after it. I was a dingy lost at sea without a paddle or an anchor…

As a result I viewed every future friendship and relationship like a lifeboat, to which I desperately clung. I gave meaning to meaningless relationships and settled for friends not worthy of the title. When the relationships inevitably ended, largely due to my neediness, I still mourned them. For anything was better than nothing.

Eventually, and not without great struggle, I matured and created a life for myself. I gained confidence and learned how to enjoy my own company. I even have friends of my very own outside of the amazing friendships I inherited from my husband.

I no longer settle in my relationships. The friendships I have now are a perfect fit and I truly believe I found them when the time was right. I am not at all like the person I was as a child or a teen. To expect all of our relationships to grow and change with us is an unrealistic expectation. If my friendships didn’t end in high school, they still would have ended eventually.

I could have said hello to my ex-boyfriend on the train. Instead I chose to follow his lead. There are some people I’d love to say hello to if I bumped in to them, but for most, there is no point. We no longer know one another, so why acknowledge we once did? For one reason or another, we have let go of one another. It is perfectly natural. And I know that now. People grow and change. We cannot expect all of our relationships to grow and change with us.

Being able to let go of relationships with a sense of love and gratitude is a gift. Seeing my ex boyfriend on the train brought back a lot of great memories. It was a wonderful short-lived time in my life and I am grateful to him and wish him well. I do the same for my two childhood best friends. And another I lived with in Philadelphia. And many others who have come and gone over the years…

I saw my ex boyfriend on the train again this morning. This time, having already written this post, I only thought one thing: how strange that we’ve lived within miles of one another for over a decade and haven’t seen one another and now twice in one week. Again, he ignored me and turned away in the aisle of the train. I smiled slightly to myself and went back to my book.

I had already let him go with peace and gratitude. Now he’s just someone that I used to know.