Poor 2020. You got a really, really bad wrap. I can’t say it isn’t deserved with all you’ve brought us:
- Sickness and death
- Never-ending politics and divisiveness
- Quarantine and isolation
- Job and financial insecurity
Those are only a few of the horrible things we endured as a collective throughout 2020.
And yet, I am refusing to renounce 2020.
Looking Toward 2020
Looking back at last year’s annual end of year reflection, I was so excited for 2020. I had seven trips planned, including my first trip to Europe and my first visit to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I also wrote that as a result of my eating disorder recovery, I felt “lighter… hopeful,” as I looked to the year ahead. After spending the majority of my adult life obsessed with food and weight, my recovery would create mental space for other pursuits in 2020.
I had no idea what those pursuits would be at the time…
Living in 2020
I didn’t get to go on a single one of those trips.
But I was right about gaining some mental space. Not obsessing over food and weight loss gave me clarity around other aspects of my life, particularly how lonely and unhappy I felt in my marriage. I left my husband in May and moved to an apartment. I chose to live alone rather than stay with someone who made me feel alone.
2020 would teach many of us a great deal about loneliness. About how to occupy ourselves. About how to care for ourselves when we have nowhere to go and no one to see. Honestly, I’m still figuring out how to live and work alone.
Given the pandemic and the giant leap I took in leaving my home and husband, I took the rest of the year off from goals and decided to just do my best. Early on my best was crying less than five times a day and brushing my teeth at some point before noon. I binged and purged at times. I started smoking here and there after nearly four years without a single cigarette. I blacked out from alcohol.
Surviving 2020
Over time, my best got better as I learned to cope. All of our bests got better. We are a resilient bunch and we adapt.
As bad as it was at times, I refuse to renounce 2020. That’s because 2020 was also good to me.
Despite the sickness and death, me and my loved ones remained healthy.
Despite the politics and divisiveness, the majority of people voted for a return to decency.
Despite the quarantine and isolation, I experienced friendship, companionship, and love.
Despite job and financial insecurity, I have worked and been able to save money.
Despite the sorrow and uncertainty, I have survived.
Looking Toward 2021
There isn’t a single person who could have predicted what would come in 2020, so how much should we plan for 2021?
I have some ideas of what I’d like to do and accomplish in 2021, including a rescheduled trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I’ve written down goals, as I always do. But among all that 2020 has taught us, we’ve also learned that nothing is guaranteed. Plans, and life, can change on a dime.
So I will remain open. I will continue improving on my best as I get better at living this new life of mine in a much changed world.
