As my 36th birthday approaches, I’ve been thinking about the year behind me as part of my traditional birthday reflection. Ageing is not synonymous with growing in my book, and I feel a responsibility to monitor my growth with pencil marks in a proverbial door frame. As I have said many times here, I refuse to live the same year over and over again and call it my life. Unfortunately, this year there has been some debate regarding whether I’ve grown enough.
But I can’t reflect without first acknowledging where I was this time last year.
This Time Last Year
As many of you know, last May I was the thinnest I had been since 2013. As thrilled as I was and as healthy as I thought I was, I now know that I was just a thinner, less healthy version of myself. My life revolved around food, diet and my weight while I obsessively tried to meet my birthday weight goal, which was part of a larger 40 lb. goal. I made that goal. But as many of you know, come July, I began gaining back every single one of those forty pounds over the following six months.
So here I am in May, 2018, nearly thirty pounds heavier than I was on my 35th birthday. I am fully aware of how this happened and why. But that doesn’t make it suck any less.
Argument for Stagnancy
This past weekend I found myself in a dark place uninspired, unmotivated and experiencing an alarming sense of hopelessness. I felt utterly defeated. After all my hard work, I was back where I started. Another year had passed and I hadn’t achieved the things I set out to achieve. I felt as if I spent my 35th year on a treadmill moving, but going nowhere.
Argument for Growth
Despite some setbacks, there is evidence of my forward movement and growth this past year.
My career took a huge leap forward
This past year I realized that in order to continue to advance my well-being, I needed to move on and advance in my career. After seven years with my previous employer (and a combined 13 in non-profit), I committed myself to finding a new position in a new company. It wasn’t easy! The waiting and uncertainty was torturous. But I put myself out there and expanded my search beyond non-profit, which was intimidating. Eventually, I landed a position where I get to utilize my skills, learn, and do work that I enjoy! I remain grateful every single day for my new job, my employer, the ways I’m being challenged, and my courage to forego the familiar and go in search of greener pastures.
We made a commitment to significantly reduce our debt
Thanks to an increased salary and the help of Dave Ramsey, Mike and I started the year committed to a monthly budget and paying down debt. This is significant because it falls directly in line with my goal to live a better and simpler life. The freedom of a debt-free life no longer feels so out of reach.
Our kitchen renovation is nearly complete
I never liked my kitchen. But it turns out that kitchen renovations are EXPENSIVE! So Mike and I have been diy-ing our kitchen for years, little by little, one piece at a time, saving for the big stuff like windows, flooring and countertops. Well FINALLY, our new countertops were installed this past month. For the first time since we bought our house in 2011, I like my kitchen. Yes, of course I’m grateful I at least have a kitchen — that goes without saying. But now it’s a room I actually enjoy being and cooking in.
All that’s left is the back splash and some minor touching up here and there and we’re done! This has been a project four plus years in the making, which is why it’s so significant.
Counter Argument for Stagnancy
Three things? That’s it!?
Okay I’ll admit I grew a little. But I could have done more had I spent less time scrolling on my phone, napping, and watching Netflix. I could have done more if I was more talented, disciplined and driven. I guess I don’t want to achieve my goals as much as I want to watch television and stare at my phone.
Counter Argument for Growth
First of all, my job search was intensely stressful and consumed the greater part of five months, not including the acclimation period. It required a great deal of energy above and beyond my other many “extracurricular” obligations and involvements that I manage and maintain throughout the year.
Yes, I concede to the point I could have spent less time on my phone, something I fully intend to limit this year. However, honoring the need to rest, seeking down time, and knowing my own limits clearly demonstrates growth in and of itself. Not once since achieving June’s weight loss goal have I experienced the debilitating pain of interstitial cystitis or felt ill as a result of stress.
All evidence points to positive steps taken toward living a less stressful, more peaceful, and simpler life. And besides, it doesn’t matter how fast I go, as long as I GO.
((mic drop))
Final Verdict
Fortunately I’ve learned that thoughts, as convincing as they may seem, can be cunning little liar tricksters. The above is a kinder, very much abbreviated version of the arguments that have been running through my head the past week. Thankfully, I was able to use my tools to quiet the negative voice that tried so hard to convince me I failed.
I learned and achieved a lot this past year. And as for the areas where I’ve fallen short… I’m still figuring those out. I feel good about turning 36 tomorrow. I’m excited for the year ahead and the opportunity to learn, achieve, experience and GROW even more.
