Welcome to my journey of self-discovery and healing.
After years of keeping busy, living in a near constant state of fight or flight, operating on cortisol and adrenaline, things have slowed down. I finally graduated college in May, the book I spent a year co-editing was published in late September, and I do not foresee another work promotion anytime soon, amongst other stressful and time-consuming things.
After years of obligations and stresses, I took inventory of my life. A lot has suffered the past several years, and I see now it was because I was suffering. I thought I was overwhelmed and exhausted. That’s what everyone told me, anyway, along with “you take on too much.” There was so much going on, so I blamed my anger, frustration and fatigue on all of it.
Once the deadlines, suffocating workload and other variables were eliminated, I felt worse. Without the constant stream of distractions, I contemplated how I was feeling. I questioned why. This was a difficult thing to do. Unbeknownst to me, I started on a journey as soon as I looked inward. It was a startling and heartbreaking realization when I came to the conclusion that I had been profoundly unhappy for a very long time.
As all of my attention and energy was elsewhere these past few years, something was happening to me. A hard, cold, rough shell grew around me, comprised of a multitude of layers of pain and suffering. It protected me in the sense that I didn’t really feel anything. All my emotions lay deep inside of me. But I realize now that I used this shell not in defense, but in attack, hiding behind a strong exterior and launching all my explosive anger and pain outwardly.
Inside, I was completely vulnerable; an emotional mess of complicated feelings.
Outside, I was a hard-working professional and student; a commencement speaker with a 3.98 GPA.
Inside, I was growing weaker day by day under the weight of my sorrow.
Outside, I was taking pleasure in the joys of life and my achievements only on an extrinsic level.
Inside I suffered, as if there was a dead, rotted seed deep within me.
This realization resulted in the creation of a deep chasm within me. There was no dead, rotted seed within me. I was the dead, rotted seed within a nut of my own making. This fracture inside of me was so intense that it created the first minuscule crack in my exterior.
Once I cracked the nut of my suffering, the tiniest sliver of light permeated my soul and it shined on the realization that I didn’t like myself or my behavior, and that I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I began to think hard about who that person was that I wanted to become. This journey became not a quest for self-fulfillment, but of self-discovery. Because we can’t be anything until we first understand who we are. And we cannot even begin to understand who we are until we crack the nut on our suffering. I have been sad and angry for a long time. I am only beginning to comprehend what the sources of these emotions are, and discover and learn the tools to manage them.
In the book “The Art of Happiness,” Howard Cutler quotes His Holiness The Dalai Lama who believes that our underlying or fundamental nature is gentleness. If human ability and intelligence develops in an unbalanced way without being properly counterbalanced with compassion, it can become destructive and can lead to disaster. Aggression and negativity is not innate; but influenced by a variety of biological, social, situational and environmental factors.
I am not rotten at my core. My conflicts are a result of those factors and my human intellect – misuse of an unbalanced intellect and imaginative faculty. Knowing this brings me a tremendous sense of relief and hope; hope that I may be able to find my way back to my underlying human nature, that I may someday be the person I want to be.
This is my journey. A journey of self-understanding as I continue to crack the nut on my suffering and work toward reclaiming my innate state of happiness; returning to my basic nature; which is gentle and compassionate.
I invite you to share this journey with me as I continue to learn and use my newly discovered tools to grow and work to end my suffering.
Hmm. very interesting. I can put your explanations or observations in my own "journey" through life. I have been trying to find who I am, per say, for a few years now… I WILL keep tabs on this blog, Jess!! Love ya , beater..
Thank you, Beater. Love you, too. 🙂
"As all of my attention and energy was elsewhere these past few years, something was happening to me. A hard, cold, rough shell grew around me, comprised of a multitude of layers of pain and suffering."
Very happy to see this. I've been concerned with the "new you" that developed this past year (how I spoke about you to Kristin) and struggled to not interfere or judge. I hope you can find happiness and become able to just be, without trying to think too hard about the stuff that doesn't really matter. Love you, looking forward to following the blog.
Thanks, Doug. I love you, too.
It is a true gift to witness your awakening. Love how the artwork came out!! xoxo Kathy
Thank you, Kathy. I would still be in the dark had it not been for you. xoxo